I tend to believe I can do everything. I can be a mom and a wife and a coworker! I can get all the laundry washed, folded and put away! I can do all the dishes! I can feed everyone all the meals! Healthy meals, too! I can get all my work (both at home and at work) done! I can vacuum, too! Groceries! Planning! Play dates! Let's go to the pool - Daddy will Birthday parties, showers, baptisms - all the parties!
And I don't need help!
But oh yes, I do need help.
Lately, everything has been slipping a little. The house isn't as tidy. I can't figure out what the hell to cook for dinner on any given night. We've been getting more take-out than I believe is healthy or wallet-friendly. I took the kids to the pool once by myself and it was... a challenge. Work has been frustrating to say the least, and confusing and difficult and self-esteem wrenching.
I know I'm no saint. I'm not perfect, nor should I strive to be so. But it's been really hard for me to step back and say "No I can't do this. Not by myself." And so I've had to ask for help. I need Nate to meet me at the pool - if only to help me carry the kids kicking and screaming back to the car when it's time to go home. I need help with the laundry - even if it's just carrying the folded baskets upstairs to their designated bedroom. I need help with dinner - even if that means another night of take-out that Nate brings home. He's part of the marriage too, so why don't I let myself depend on him more?
And I need help at work. This has been the hardest help to ask for. Asking for help at work means I have to admit that I am struggling and that I should have asked for help months ago. Weeks ago. Even days ago. Every day I let pass without asking for help only mires me further and only beats down my usually cheerful and positive demeanor. (Side note: while I can be extremely mopey at home, I tend to be the complete opposite at work. At work, I'm the cheerful optimistic cheerleader, keeping everyone else peppy. Strange, isn't it?)
Today I asked for helped. I sat with my boss, apologized for getting a little weepy, and told her all the horrible things I've been feeling inside for waiting so long to ask for help. I told her all the things that are confusing me and challenging me and keeping me from moving forward with projects. I asked for help. And she gave it freely and without hesitation. Because that's what she's there for - to oversee and assist and lead and help.
Why did I wait so long?