Thursday, September 13, 2012

Buffet Closed

Confession:  I hated breastfeeding.

It just wasn't my thing.  It wasn't about nipple pain or poor latch or any of that.  Gavin was a good eater, and I worked through the annoying pain after our first week.  I didn't have the best supply, but I certainly wasn't battling over-supply or clogged ducts or mastitis or anything.  It's almost as if I just wasn't impressed with breastfeeding.

I have never experienced - with either child - the heartwarming feeling of looking into my baby's eyes as he ate.  Laura and I had so many other issues, all of which were exacerbated by breastfeeding and the feeling that I hadn't bonded with her.  I had hopes that maybe I'd feel that warm little chest tug while breastfeeding Gavin this time.  I did not feel the frustration (or depression or anger) that I felt with Laura, but I did not really feel anything.

Breastfeeding, for me, was a way to cut down on some of the costs of raising a child.  Why buy powder when the good stuff came from me for free?  So I kept at it until I went back to work.  I had decided early on that I was not going to pump at work, so Gavin went on formula during our first few weeks after my maternity leave were over.  But I did indulge some hopes that perhaps my supply would keep up for breakfast, dinner and midnight snacks.  And it did.  For a little while.  But then my supply tanked, and nursing Gavin only left him very hungry. 

So I have thrown in the towel.  Gavin is exclusively formula-fed from now on.  My family is happy and satiated.  We are all of us healthy - in both mind and body.  And for me, being healthy - completely and 100% healthy - is the most important thing.  I am happy.  My heart tugs in my chest as I watch Gavin guzzle his bottle that Laura helps hold.  With bottles, I get that feeling I'd always heard about with breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is not for everyone.  It's not for me.  This all you can drink bar is closed. Until our next kid, since I will always try try again.