Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Too often in my life I start to feel panicky and weepy, only to realize that I am severely dehydrated.  Seriously, it's like I have a mental block about getting enough fluids every day.  I sit at my desk, parched, feeling like my chest is caving in, short of breath, ready to cry, depressed and anxious and ready to just sink into nothingness... and wonder "Why am I feeling so awful?!"

And then I remember that I'm thirsty and that humans need water to survive and there's a water cooler some thirty feet from my desk and I pay $5 a month to drink that water.  So get off your butt and drink some water, Caitlin!  So I have some water and slowly start to feel better again.  This happens all the time.  As soon as I drink a little water, all the dark thoughts of despair ease and I am once again able to see some brightness.

Except this week.  I am actually hydrated, sipping water regularly from the free water bottles leftover from a few catered meetings.  It's like a mecca of bottled water here at work, and I am savoring this brief oasis.  So I'm pretty well hydrated.

And yet... I can't keep the ugly thoughts from crowding in.  I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways.  Inadequate as a mother (I snap too much and enjoy to little), as a wife (I focus on every nit-picky detail without appreciating the whole), as a coworker (I just can't focus). 

I don't know if it's the dreary never-see-the-sun weather, anxiety over the upcoming holidays (nearly every weekend with my in-laws...), or this endless mind-numbingly boring project at work... but I need to snap out of it.  My heart needs some rehydrating. 

Pouring my heart out.