Torn

Gavin and I had a really rough night last night.  I'm not even sure what exactly transpired.  By the fourth time he had me up, I was too bleary to remember anything any more.  Nate was up with him almost as much as I was.  We fed, rocked, fed, burped, cradled, fed, changed diapers, burped and fed some more.  Fed is a loose term, since Gavin was mostly too agitated to latch on and eat.  And with every missed latch, Gavin let out a shriek of frustration... and possibly agony.

We finally decided he wasn't actually hungry, just upset.  But by that time, I was also incredibly upset.  I felt like Gavin's distress was my fault - clearly I'd eaten something that was giving him a tummy ache.  And his inability to latch?  Definitely my fault - clearly I wasn't producing milk in the right way to get him eating properly.  He cried.  I cried.  I don't know if Nate cried, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

At the back of my mind the whole night was the thought: this would be so much easier if I could give him a bottle.  I would feel so much less guilty if I could give him a bottle.

I have bottles in the kitchen, still in their packaging.  I spent (what felt like) hours considering boiling bottles at 3am to give Gavin some formula.  I did go downstairs to look in vain for my manual breast pump.  I started googling electric pumps.  Because if I could pump a little during the day, maybe Nate could give him a bottle at night?

All of these thoughts were desperate and incoherent.  But this morning, I woke up wondering: to pump or not?  To breast feed or not?

Going into this pregnancy, I told myself I would rent a pump, pump consistently while I was home on leave, then quit pumping (and also quit daytime feedings) after I went back to work.  Now that Gavin is here, I don't know what to do.  I haven't started pumping, and only just looked into a rental: $120 for a month.  At that price, I might as well just buy a pump.

But to buy a pump?  The good ones are $200+ and I don't want to use it when I go back to work (at least not during the day).

And to be perfectly honest?  I don't like breastfeeding.  I just don't.  I thought with Laura that it was the PPD that made me hate breastfeeding.  But nearly three weeks in, I'm feeling really healthy, I'm bonding with my baby, and I still don't like breastfeeding.  So is it worth buying a pump?  Should I keep going, trying to make this work?  Should I throw in the towel (and my credit card rating) and start formula feeding?

Last night was rough, and I don't want to rush into any emotionally charged decision.  But I am so torn.

On the other hand, Gavin rewarded me this morning with his first smile: