Gavin and I had a really rough night last night. I'm not even sure what exactly transpired. By the fourth time he had me up, I was too bleary to remember anything any more. Nate was up with him almost as much as I was. We fed, rocked, fed, burped, cradled, fed, changed diapers, burped and fed some more. Fed is a loose term, since Gavin was mostly too agitated to latch on and eat. And with every missed latch, Gavin let out a shriek of frustration... and possibly agony.
We finally decided he wasn't actually hungry, just upset. But by that time, I was also incredibly upset. I felt like Gavin's distress was my fault - clearly I'd eaten something that was giving him a tummy ache. And his inability to latch? Definitely my fault - clearly I wasn't producing milk in the right way to get him eating properly. He cried. I cried. I don't know if Nate cried, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.
At the back of my mind the whole night was the thought: this would be so much easier if I could give him a bottle. I would feel so much less guilty if I could give him a bottle.
I have bottles in the kitchen, still in their packaging. I spent (what felt like) hours considering boiling bottles at 3am to give Gavin some formula. I did go downstairs to look in vain for my manual breast pump. I started googling electric pumps. Because if I could pump a little during the day, maybe Nate could give him a bottle at night?
All of these thoughts were desperate and incoherent. But this morning, I woke up wondering: to pump or not? To breast feed or not?
Going into this pregnancy, I told myself I would rent a pump, pump consistently while I was home on leave, then quit pumping (and also quit daytime feedings) after I went back to work. Now that Gavin is here, I don't know what to do. I haven't started pumping, and only just looked into a rental: $120 for a month. At that price, I might as well just buy a pump.
But to buy a pump? The good ones are $200+ and I don't want to use it when I go back to work (at least not during the day).
And to be perfectly honest? I don't like breastfeeding. I just don't. I thought with Laura that it was the PPD that made me hate breastfeeding. But nearly three weeks in, I'm feeling really healthy, I'm bonding with my baby, and I still don't like breastfeeding. So is it worth buying a pump? Should I keep going, trying to make this work? Should I throw in the towel (and my credit card rating) and start formula feeding?
Last night was rough, and I don't want to rush into any emotionally charged decision. But I am so torn.
On the other hand, Gavin rewarded me this morning with his first smile: