Jealousy?

I'm not sure I brought this up before...

I was absolutely convinced that Hubby and I were having a boy. Convinced. I pictured holding my little boy, rocking him to sleep, playing with him. I was even worried about getting peed on. When the U/S tech said, "That looks like a girl!" I was stunned. I don't think I said anything one way or the other until I forced myself to (um, can you say awkward silence?).

And I know you always say, "I don't care what it is, I just want a healthy baby," but I think I really did want a boy. Not that I didn't want a little girl... just that I wanted to have a boy first. To be a big brother for all his younger siblings. Hubby and I had talked about this so many times for so many years. Wouldn't it be great to have 3 or 4 kids, with a boy first? It's so nice to have a big brother!

So when I got home, and was all alone, I cried.

Of course, I came around to having a little girl. I was such a girly girl (and still am) that it's exciting for me to think about dolls and tea parties again! And, of course, I bought a few pink onesies in support of our favorite teams. They look great hanging on pink hangers in Lulu's closet! Shopping therapy? Um, yes. But whatever. I had completely embraced my little girl.

Then, last night, Hubby and I found out that our dear friends just gave birth to a baby boy. They were having a "surprise," and I just wasn't mentally prepared for this. When our other dear friends' surprise was a boy two weeks ago, I was thrilled for them. I guess I expected the first couple to have a boy (correct!), and the other couple to have a girl (wrong!). So now all my unhappiness has floated back up to the top.

I feel like it's not fair that every single couple we know that is having (or just popped out) a baby in the last few months is having a boy. Seriously, we know TWELVE couples, all having boys. Maybe that makes our little girl extra special? But it just makes me feel like I failed a little bit somehow. Somehow, my little dream world of 4 kids (2 boys, 2 girls) just fell apart. Which is so stupid! Our little girl is healthy! Shouldn't that be all that matter? And even though I know this and am being stupid, I just can't get over this horrible feeling.

I'm sorry Lulu. I love you more than I'll ever be able to express. I just wish I could feel a little happier...