Faking It

I feel like I'm faking my whole life right now. I spent all weekend at my parents being fake happy at being a mom. My parents know what I'm going through... but my grandmother, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbors and friends (all of whom I saw this weekend) do not.

What I said in any number of identical conversations:
[insert any number of people]: "OMG - C, Laura is so beautiful!"
Me: "I know, we're just so lucky"
[person]: "Is she fussy? She seems to happy right now!"
Me: "She's such an easy baby. Truly."
[person]: "How could you not just love her! How do you get anything done!"
Me: "Oh, I know! She's just amazing."

What I wanted to say:
[insert any number of people]: "OMG - C, Laura is so beautiful!"
Me: "Yeah, it's a good thing too, because I would be really unhappy with an ugly baby."
[person]: "Is she fussy? She seems to happy right now!"
Me: "She should be easy. Everyone else seems to think she is."
[person]: "How could you not just love her! How do you get anything done!"
Me: "I hate that statement. Getting stuff done is easy. I just ignore her as much as possible."

I hate lying through my teeth to every person I meet. I would love for once to just say, "You know what, I am having a hard time feeling any attachment to my baby. Please stop gushing over how easy it must be to love her."

And this is why I'm restarting counseling tomorrow.