I'm Choking

You know that feeling when it's hard to breath, and your stomach is in your throat, and it's all hurty?
That feeling where, somehow, tears would make it all better?
That choking feeling?
Yeah.  That one.  I has that.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just not quite enough.  I'm not quite a good enough employee.  I'm not quite a good enough sister (-in-law).  I'm not quite a good enough daughter (-in-law).  I'm not quite a good enough wife. 

The only time I do feel good enough is as Laura's mom.  So that's awesome. 

But not quite good enough to make up for all the times I've snapped at Hubby lately.  Or all the times I've sighed and said, "Whatever.  I don't care."  Or those times I've said, "Just make a decision and tell me what I'm doing."  Because it's not quite fair of me to say things like that.

Lately, I have felt jealousy towards everyone for everything.  Your blog is better than mine.  Your hair is better than mine.  Your clothes are better than mine.  Your shoes are better than mine.  Your car is better than mine.  Your house is better than mine.  You are happier than me.  Your house and car and shoes and clothes and hair and blog are better than mine and you are happier than me because of it.

The only time I am not jealous of you/my mom/my sisters/my brothers/in-laws/friends/coworkers is when I look at Laura.  Because she's pretty wonderful. 

Then I realize, looking at Laura, that my life is pretty wonderful.
Then I realize that I'm pretty petty.  And jealous.  And awful.
And I want to stop being petty and jealous and awful.
But I can't stop wanting things.

I want those clothes, and shoes, and hair, and cars, and houses, and interior design budgets, and designer bags, and fancy strollers, and that super-uber-popular blog...  But those things are not me. 

I'm not sure who I really am. 

Who I really am is choking.
My wants are choking me.