20/20

I squint a lot.  I have a permanent crease on my forehead from the constant furrowing of my brow.  I have worn glasses since I was 9 years old.  I don't know what it's like to see with 20/20 vision.

Sometimes, as I squint at something in the distance trying to make a blurry image more clear, I wonder if maybe I am actually seeing in 20/20 and I just don't recognize it.  Surely, there comes a point even for people with perfect vision where they just can't see clearly anymore.  It's not like people can see off into the infinite horizons.  So maybe it's normal when I can't see this or read that.  Maybe I'm looking for clarity where none should be expected.  Maybe my vision (as corrected) is 20/20 after all, and it's my expectations that are flawed.

I sometimes feel this way about my happiness.  I am squinting my eyes, furrowing my brow, striving to feel a happiness I do not know.  I never feel quite happy enough.  Is my disatisfaction a normal feeling, or am I unhappier than most?  Am I reaching for a level of happiness that isn't attainable?  Am I trying to see clearly off into the distance?  Maybe I am as happy as can be expected of anyone at any given time.  Maybe my happiness is 20/20 after all, and it's my expectations that are flawed.

For a long time, I had a check-list of everything I thought I needed to do to make my life complete.  Get a job.  Get married.  Get a degree.  Have a baby.  I checked each of those off my list, one by one; each was supposed to make me feel fulfilled and happy.  Instead of feeling fulfilled and happy, I feel restless.  Ok, I had the baby.  Now what?  Um, how about enjoy the hilarious, beautiful smart little girl?  Maybe I should put that on my list: learn to appreciate the moment.

Maybe my life - my vision, my happiness - is 20/20 after all, and I just don't know it.