Gun Shy

Well, being a mom is hard.  Not that that is news to anyone.  But it's really different to say "Being a mom will be hard" before the baby arrives, and actually experiencing how hard it is.

I had a few days of tears.  It wasn't pretty.  And I did not feel very confident in myself.  I was especially glad to have my own mom around to take care of things, because there were definitely a few occasions where I couldn't bear to pick up my baby one more time.  My body even slept through several middle of the night wails - with my mom coming in to take care of rocking Lulu back to sleep.  I had no idea she had been crying at all.  It's a little scary to think that my baby was crying and I slept through it. 

I am happy to report that after an entire day yesterday of no visitors (beyond my mom) and pajamas in bed, I am feeling much better.  I am happy to see my baby, feed her, change her, coo at her... With no tears at all!  Yesterday I was feeling much better, but still had a few moments of "Stop looking at me or I'll bite your head off."  Today I am feeling like a good mom.  I know I'll never be perfect, but at least I can be cheerful!

I will say, the little poop shooter I call Lulu has deadly aim.  We (my mom, Hubby and I) have finally each found our own system for at least catching the poop midair.  But it's amazing... as soon as the air hits that cute little bottom, out squirts the mustard!  Back when I wasn't feeling so hot about being a mom, I actually refused to change any diapers.  I went two days without changing her, because I just couldn't handle the poop.  I've changed every diaper so far today, with nary an incident.  I'm very proud of myself.

It's the little things.