We had a bad night

Lulu would not stop wailing.  It was constant.  It was driving me nuts.  Literally.  I cried afor lmost as long as she did!  This brought up two concerns:

1) Does Lulu have some sort of reflux?  She has been making a choking noise every time we lay her down.  And her hiccups (that supposedly don't bother infants) were making her hysterical. 

2) Does Mommy have PPD?  I know, I was feeling so much better.  But certain feelings of inadequacy just haven't gone away.  And through all the tears, I was starting to feel like I was the one choking, not Lulu.

Luckily, both Lulu and I had our 1 month check-ups today.  Mine was first, and as soon as the doctor walked in Lulu started to wail again.  And I burst into tears.  The doctor gently took Lulu out of her carseat and handed her to a nurse outside, shut the door, and handed me a tissue.  All without saying a word.  Did I mention this was the Dr. whom I formerly hated and now adore?  She was so sensitive today.  She listened to how I've been feeling, asked how Lulu's been doing, listened some more. 

She feels that I'm experiencing normal "baby blues," but did blood work to test my thyroid.  It's possible that a post pardum thyroid imbalance has been causing some of my hysteria, as well as the headaches and afternoon flu-like aches.  And of course, she wants me to call in a few weeks if I'm still feeling shaky.

I headed off to Lulu's check-up feeling a little better.  Still a bit ready to weep at the drop of a pacifier, but better.  And whatever negative feelings I might have still had were completely dashed by Lulu's warm and friendly pediatrician.  Lulu's doctor, first of all, agreed that it sounds like Lulu has reflux.  She prescribed some Zantac and moved on.  Mostly, she was just so supportive of how I'm feeling.  Her words:

"It's ok to want to throw the baby out the window.  It's not ok to actually throw the baby out the window!"

She said all of this with a cheerful smile, and added that all parents want to tear their hair out sometimes, it's ok to cry, and (most importantly) it's ok to let the baby cry.  I need to tell myself that over and over.  It's ok to let her cry.