Advice for expectant mothers

Do your Kegels.

Because they will help you push out the baby, right?  No.  If you're looking for something to help you squeeze the cutest little watermelon you've ever seen through your lady bits, Kegels won't help you.  Look into some pregnancy safe Pilates moves instead.  Something about core muscles or something.  I wouldn't know.  I sat on my butt and ate ice cream for 9 months.

So, if not for pushing... Kegels will help your lady bits return to normal faster, right?  So hubby can get some much needed, ahem, attention?  Sorry, wrong again.  The only thing that will help your poor, defenseless lady bits to recovery is time and lube.  Lots of lube.  LOTS.

So now you're wondering.  Why the freaking Kegels.  So that you won't feel like an old man with an enlarged prostate 7 months and 2 weeks AFTER you give birth.  Seriously.  I have to pee almost every hour during the day.  And my bedtime routine is ridiculous:
Pee. 
Wash hands.
Remove contacts.
Brush teeth.
Pee.
Put on jammies.
Run downstairs for the bajillion things I forgot.  Like my phone/alarm clock.
Pee.
Straighten the pillows just so.
Pee.
Climb into bed.
Lay awake for about 8 minutes.
Pee.

You read that correctly.  I pee at least 5 times every night in the span of 15 minutes!  Last night was the worst yet... but perhaps I shouldn't have had 4 cups of tea with dinner.  So please, pregnant ladies, do your Kegels!