Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Art of Seduction

Last night as I was playing Angry Birds while Nate watched reruns of LOST on Netflix, I suddenly remembered that I'm supposed to be baby-obsessed, and wouldn't it be nice to have some physical contact with my husband while the baby was in bed.  We may have been in the same room, but we could have been on separate planets for all the interaction that was going on between the bird flinging and the... whatever LOST actually turned out to be. 

I put the G-D birds down.  I ignored the plight of the secret hidden papayas I was trying to bust out of crates.  And I hobbled over to my husband, who was practically drooling while mindlessly staring at the TV.  I say hobbled because my shinsplints are killing me and I read somewhere that an ankle brace can help.  So I was sporting the sexiest outfit ever seen:  Cargo capris (?), a t-shirt, and an ankle brace.

Like a sultry movie star from days of yore, I put the bad leg up on Nate's knee and sexily tore off the ankle brace.  He looked up at me like I was insane.  So I said, "What, don't you want somma THIS!"  He said, "The ankle brace strip tease really doesn't do it for me."  Apparently the bend-and-snap move I learned in Legally Blonde doesn't actually work.  And since I'm lazy, I quit trying to seduce my husband shortly after that.

You know how some women can turn a man on like flipping a light switch?  I'm not one of them.  I guess that's why I spend so much time sitting in the dark.  Pass me those irate birds - I have some pigs to kill.