I did something recently that I have never done (on here) before. I went back through Le Blog and read every single post since April 2009 and censored myself. Not much, but just a little. There were a few posts that were just a little too pointedly hurtful towards people in my actual life. A few posts that had just a little more TMI than I was comfortable with. I clicked those posts over to "Private" and heaved a sigh of relief.
This blog, for all it's "anonymity" (which really means I just don't tell anyone in my "real" life about it), is meant to be a little place where I can unload my brain and feel completely, 100% ME all the time. Those posts where I was really horrid or really graphic? Are SO NOT ME. I might be a catty brat in real life, but I would never say something truly hurtful ever. And TMI? Can truly beToo Much Information, even on a journal sort of an "anonymous" blog. So I censored myself.
But did you see the other part of this process? The part where I read every single post I have written? That was very, very revealing. What a look inside my head over the past 3 1/2 years! So very much has happened. I have changed so much. And remained so much the same. The dark period before I sought help for PPD? Really was so dark. Hindsight has sugar-coated that period for me, allowing me to live life saying "Ok, that sucked, but I'm better! Yay! Rainbows!" And those months when Laura just wouldn't sleep? I had completely forgotten about those months. She is such a good sleeper now, I think I blocked the sleepless nights from my memory.
Those sleepless nights... We are smack in the middle of the wakeful period with Gavin right now. At 3:30 am, I wonder why he is still awake? How did my fantastic sleeper of an infant turn into such a midnight monster? At 3:30 am, I think to myself "Gosh, Laura never did this to me! She has slept like an angel from the start!" At 3:30 am, I am clearly not thinking straight. So last night as I rocked and hushed and diapered and bottled and rocked and hushed some more, I chuckled to myself recalling post after post written in 2010 bemoaning those sleepless night.
It'll get better. I just know it will. Because it did before, and it will again. I will sleep through the night again! It will be glorious, and I will promptly forget the horrors of the midnight monster.