Let Down

Breastfeeding let down, that is!

Before Lulu was born, I took a breastfeeding class. I wanted to be as prepared as possible. The class was... ok. But how much can you learn about something before you can actually experience it? Anyway, in the class they told us that most women can feel their milk let down - the moment after the baby starts sucking when the milk actually starts flowing.

I've come to realize over the past three months that I am one of those few women who can't feel feel let down. I can hear a change in Lulu's sucking, and can sometimes even hear the milk squirting into her mouth. But I can't feel a damn thing. Sometimes, I even have trouble feeling Lulu's sucking. And I don't know why this never occurred to me before... but I think not being able to feel anything happening is a large part of why I hate breastfeeding.

That's right. I said it. I hate breastfeeding.

For the past three months, I have felt like a dairy cow. An on-demand factory. If my little calf isn't latched on, the farmer's new-fangled machine is going to town. I have never felt that bonded, emotional, lovey-dovey connection with my daughter when feeding her. And I totally resent my husband. This is a horrible way to live!

I finally got up the courage to tell Hubby how I've been feeling. Telling him that everything he does bothers me, and that sometimes I just can't stand him was really hard. But in the end, we both felt that I'm probably just pinning all my frustration with breastfeeding on him. And that I'm jealous that he doesn't have to be responsible for every feeding.

So all that said, we decided that I will keep breastfeeding Lulu for another three months, so she can get all her antibodies. And then I'm done. It's good for the baby, and I can recognize that. And I'll try again for a better outcome with baby #2 - in a few years!