The Light of My Life

I mentioned yesterday that I hate what I have written in the "About Us" section on that little bar above.  In it, I say, "Laura is the light of my life!"  I read this one sentence and cringe.  What a sappy, un-me thing to say.  I would never say something like that in real life.  So why is something so stupid on my blog?  Today, I'm here to change that. 

The months following Laura's birth were a dark time for me.  I wanted to look at my daughter and feel my heart swell with love.  I wanted to just smile as I watched her sleep.  I wanted her to be the light of my life.  But my heart didn't swell; I didn't smile as she slept; Laura wasn't the light of my life. 

I was a sailor lost at sea, desperately searching the horizon for a lighthouse that wasn't there.

Maybe I set myself up for failure in those first few months.  Maybe as an expectant mother, still pregnant, I spent too much time imagining some perfect relationship with my daughter.  A relationship that could never be realistic. 

As I realized that my imagined relationship wasn't realistic, the seas of discontent rose around me.  Waves of anguish, remorse, disappointment tossed me about.  However, between every wave there is a welcomed lull.  In these breaks from the thrashing of emotions, I was able to see a glimmer of light from the shore.  Happiness.  After months of darkness, the storm began to let up.  With the help from counseling and family, I had longer periods of rest between waves.  The horizon grew brighter.  I could see the shore.

Now, my relationship with Laura is just how I imagined all those months ago.  When I look at her, my heart swells.  I smile and sigh as I watch her soft cheek rest against her blankie as she sleeps.  Laura is a light in my life. 

But Laura is not the only light in my life.  I spent months lost at sea looking for one lighthouse.  But in all those months, I overlooked all the stars shining above me.  Nate.  Riesling.  My mom.  My dad.  My sister. My brothers.   Nate's family.  My friends.  And yes, Laura. 

I wasn't lost in the darkness after all.  I was surrounded by love and light.  Only now, I can actually see it.